In I’m a Scientist we ask all the scientists to tell us a joke. It turns out everyone loves this bit of the scientist’s profiles, so we thought we would gather them all here together, for your delight and delectation…
Zone |
Scientist |
Joke |
| Beryllium | Philip Wadler | There are two kinds of people—those who think there are two kinds of people, and those who don’t. |
| Ian Sillett | Why did the scarecrow win a nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field! (Topical?) | |
| Derek Mann | Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? A. Dam! | |
| Daniel Mietchen | Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar … and doesn’t. | |
| Boron | Vicki Stevenson | how many physicists does it take to change a light bulb? 2 – 1 to hold the bulb and 1 to rotate the universe |
| Keith Brain | 3 people travelling in a bus through the Australian countryside see a black sheep; the first says, “ah, so all sheep in Australia are black”; the second says, “No, all we can say is that that particular sheep is black”; the third says, “No, all I can say is that that particular object I call a sheep is black on one side, but of course I don’t expect you to believe me”. So, which is the scientist? | |
| Hywel Vaughan | Two sausages are sizzling away in their pan. One turns to the other and says ‘Goodness me it’s hot in here!’. The other rolls over and replies ‘Bahh!!! A talking sausage!!!’ | |
| Emma Carter | A jump lead walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says ‘OK, but don’t start anything’ | |
| Alastair Sloan | Did you know that if a stick insect laid it’s eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets | |
| Nitrogen | Tim Craggs | There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don’t. (Hint: what is 10 in binary? – I know – it’s a geeky joke) |
| Mark Lancaster | What do you call a tellytubby who has been burgled? A: A tubby. | |
| Joanna Buckley | How do you make Lady Gaga cry? Poke ‘er face. | |
| Donna MacCallum | What do you call a mushroom who buys everyone at the bar a drink? …a FUN GUY! Sad, I know. | |
| Oxygen | Tom Hardy | What do you do when you find a dead chemist? Barium |
| Matthew Hurley | What’s round and growls? – A vicious circle! | |
| Hugh Roderick | Two cowboys in a kitchen, which is the real one? The one on the range! | |
| Douglas Blane | I like one-liners. Like when they were explaining gravity to Eccles in the Goons: “When you jump up in the air what happens?” “I come back down again.” “Why’s that?” “Cos I live here”. | |
| Fluorine | Sarah Bardsley | What was the biologist wearing on his first date? Designer jeans. |
| Paul Roche | “Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life” | |
| Mark Roberts | A good pun is its own reword | |
| Laura Maliszewski | Zero walks up the eight and says “hey- where did you get that belt?” | |
| Neon | Zoe Duck | manchester city |
| Sharon Sneddon | Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party? Because he had no body to go with! | |
| Louise Dash | Q: What goes “oink, 3.14159, oink, 3.14159, oink, 3.14159″? A: A pork pi! | |
| Jon Copley | Before you criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticise them, you are a mile away, and you have their shoes. | |
| Sodium | Louisa Chard | Two elephants fall off a cliff. Boom Boom! |
| Heather McKee | Have you heard about extreme camping? Its in tents (intense!!) | |
| Beth Dyson | What do you call a nun on a washing machine? Sister-matic! | |
| Ben Still | Two atoms bump into each other. One says ‘I think I lost an electron!’ The other asks, ‘Are you sure?’, to which the first replies, ‘I’m positive.’ | |
| Andrew McKinley | What type of bear dissolves in water? A polar bear… | |
| Magnesium | Sian Foch-Gatrell | Q: What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome? A: Pull down its genes. |
| Luisa Ostertag | Waaah! I am so bad at this! I’ll try: Plump lady to the waitress: I’d like Death by Chocolate for dessert, but only enough to put me in critical condition. HA HA HA HA! ;o) | |
| Dean Whittaker | A neutron walks into a bar, orders a drink and goes to pay. The barman says “It’s ok, no charge for you” (the geekiest joke I know 🙂 ) | |
| Alexandra Kamins | Heisenberg was speeding down a road, and got pulled over by a cop. The cop swaggers up to Heisenberg’s car and demands, “Do you know how fast you were going?!” Heisenberg begs, “Don’t tell me! I’ll pay the ticket!! Just don’t tell me!” The cop says, “You were going 90!” Heisenberg swears, “Crap. Now I don’t know where I am!” (If you don’t laugh heartily, go look up the Heisenberg uncertainty principle. If you still don’t laugh, let your inner geek out!) | |
| Aluminium | Paula Salgado | What does the ocean say to a penguin? Nothing, it just waves… |
| Nathalie Pettorelli | I’m rubbish at jokes – I never remember them, and the one I remember isn’t funny when not told in front of people | |
| Laura Dixon | Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because chickens hadn’t evolved yet! Yes, it’s lame but it made me giggle! | |
| Katy Mee | Where do you find a one-legged dog?……Where you left it……BOOM BOOM | |
| Hermine Schnetler | What are black holes? Things you get in black socks! | |
| Silicon | Paula Gilfillan | What do you do with dead elements?…Barium! |
| Marianne Baker | What did the fish say when it bumped into a wall? … … … Dam! | |
| Emma Pilgrim | Oh crikey I am rubbish at jokes. I will have a think………. | |
| Andrew Maynard | Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was duct-taped to the squirrel. (Shamelessly plagiarized from a good friend!) | |
| Andrew Leitch | A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence with wide eyes, taking in the whole event. The man thought to himself, “Great, he’s four years old and I’m gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees now. No need to jump the gun. I guess I’ll let him ask and then I’ll answer.” After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, “Well son, do you have any questions?” “Just one,” gasped the wide-eyed lad. “How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?” | |
| Clean | Sarah Burl | A mushroom walked into a bar. The bar tender said, “Get out of here! We don’t serve your kind.” “Hey, what’s the problem?” “Just get out of here. We don’t serve mushrooms.” The mushroom in anguish says, “Why not? I’m a fun guy.” |
| Panos Soultanas | What is the dullest element? …. Bohrium | |
| Michael Loughlin | Why couldn’t the student E.coli go into the lab? Because it was Staph only…. | |
| Mark Travis | Please note that in the ‘describe yourself in 3 words’ section, one of the words was not ‘funny’……. I rang the Swine Flu National helpline recently for some advice, but it was useless- all I got was crackling. I’ll get my coat….. | |
| Mark Fogg | How about a quote from Douglas Adams, one of my favourite authors, that could apply to me “He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher…or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.” My wife agrees. | |
| Brain | William Davies | I saw a native Australian the other day playing ‘Dancing Queen’ on the didgeridoo – I thought to myself ‘Hmm, that’s Aboriginal…’ |
| Michelle Murphy | What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street? …… Gives a brain wave | |
| Joanna Brooks | What is pink and fluffy? Pink fluff. What is blue pink and fluffy? Pink fluff holding it’s breath. | |
| Jane Henry | There’s a visual joke of how men and women spend their time. On the female pie chart talking about relationships is the biggest category, and on the mens its sport! | |
| Fiona Randall | I only know rude ones haha | |
| Cancer | Mariam Orme | Here’s a really geeky science joke: Two atoms meet up at a bar. One asks the other “what’s wrong, you don’t look very happy”. “No”, says the other atom, “I’m a bit worried, I’ve lost an electron”. “Are you sure?” asks the first atom. “Yeah”, says its friend, “I’m positive”. |
| Leo Garcia | What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you? Nacho cheese! | |
| Joanna Watson | Two fish in a tank. One says to the other one “How do you drive this thing?” | |
| Iain Moal | Whats brown and sticky? … A stick. | |
| Gioia Cherubini | My italian jokes are all lost in translation 🙁 | |
| Poonam Kaushik | This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk screams at the duck, “You’ve come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don’t have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I’ll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!” The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, “Do you have any nails?” The clerk replied, “No,” and the duck said, “Good! Got any grapes?” | |
| Patience Dorgu | The skeleton couldn’t go to the dance, because it had no body to go with! | |
| Joseph Cook | What do you call 6.022 x 10^23 avocados? Guacamole. | |
| Dr Hywel Jones | Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street. One says “I think I just lost an electron”, the other says “Are you sure?” and the first one replies “Yes, I’m positive!”. Ba ba boom!! | |
| Drugs | Michelle Hudson | Why did the banana go to the doctors? Because he wasn’t peeling very well! |
| Lori-An Etherington | Why are there no aspirins in the jungle? Because the Parrots-ate-em-all | |
| Duncan Hull | Q: How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. It’s left to the reader as an exercise. | |
| Deuan Jones | How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb?… No one knows for sure! hahahahaha. | |
| Darren Nesbeth | Q: What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you? A: Nacho cheese. | |
| Evolution | Maria Pawlowska | sorry but it will have to be a Darwin joke. Why did the chicken cross the road? Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees. |
| Laurel Fogarty | Ok but I only know nerdy ones and you asked for it…. Two atoms are walking down the road, one isn’t concentrating and walks right into the other. They both fall over, one gets up and says ‘oh my! are you ok’ the other says ‘no no I think I’ve lost an electron’ the first says ‘oh my god are you sure’ the other replies ‘yes I’m bloody positive’!…and let that teach you not to ask scientists for jokes. | |
| Ceri Thomas | OK this is bad……How do you tell the sex of a chromosome? Pull down its genes! (Sorry) | |
| Bridget Waller | RUBBISH at jokes. 😛 | |
| Betul Arslan | “Old chemists don’t die, they reach equilibrium” (got nerd?) | |
| Genes | Yvette Wilson | What was the last thing that went through the fly’s mind when he hit the car windscreen? – His bottom |
| Steven Kiddle | Why did the scarecrow get a nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field | |
| Sian Harding | Darth Vader says to Luke Skywalker – “Son, I know what you are getting for Christmas”. Luke says “how is that”. Darth replies “I have felt your presence” | |
| Michaela Livingstone | Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together. | |
| Louise Johnson | What’s green and leaky? A leek! | |
| Imaging | Tom Hartley | Q: How many crustaceans are there in London? A: Three; King’s Crustacean, Charing Crustacean and St Pan Crustacean. |
| Steve Roser | how do you get 1000 Pikachus on a bus? Poke ‘em on! | |
| Stephen Curry | Two beavers are looking up at a massive hydroelectric dam. “I didn’t build it,” says one, “but it is based on my idea!” | |
| Pete Edwards | Why are pirates called pirates? Because they ARRRRRRGGGHHHH | |
| Marieke Navin | I like really stupid jokes. Ok, a man walked into a bar. He said Ow! It was an iron bar. I know that’s a bit naff…here’s one that’s even worse as it’s a relativity joke: A bar walked into a man…. Sorry! Wrong reference frame! | |
| IVF | Vicki Onions | 2 lions in a supermarket. One says to the other “quiet in here isn’t it?” |
| Jo Broadbent | What do you call a fairy that needs a bath? Stinkerbell. | |
| Jane Cleal | You’re on a horse galloping away at speed. On your right is a sharp drop, on your left is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you a lion is chasing you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation??……….Get off the merry go round and act your age!! | |
| Greg FitzHarris | What’s green, brown, and would hurt if it fell out of a tree onto you?………………………………………………………… a snooker table | |
| Claire O’Donnell | What do you get if you eat the Christmas decorations? Tinsellitis | |
| Sports | Sian Lawson | How many mules does it take to change a lightbulb? One to hold the bulb, and 305 to rotate the house. |
| Sally Barber | Why did the baker wash his hands?…. Because he kneaded a poo. | |
| Peter Styring | Sheffield Wednesday Football Club! |
