Who said scientists aren’t funny?

In I’m a Scientist we ask all the scientists to tell us a joke. It turns out everyone loves this bit of the scientist’s profiles, so we thought we would gather them all here together, for your delight and delectation…

Zone	Scientist	Joke
Beryllium	Philip Wadler	There are two kinds of people—those who think there are two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
	Ian Sillett	Why did the scarecrow win a nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field! (Topical?)
	Derek Mann	Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? A. Dam!
	Daniel Mietchen	Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar … and doesn’t.
Boron	Vicki Stevenson	how many physicists does it take to change a light bulb? 2 – 1 to hold the bulb and 1 to rotate the universe
	Keith Brain	3 people travelling in a bus through the Australian countryside see a black sheep; the first says, “ah, so all sheep in Australia are black”; the second says, “No, all we can say is that that particular sheep is black”; the third says, “No, all I can say is that that particular object I call a sheep is black on one side, but of course I don’t expect you to believe me”. So, which is the scientist?
	Hywel Vaughan	Two sausages are sizzling away in their pan. One turns to the other and says ‘Goodness me it’s hot in here!’. The other rolls over and replies ‘Bahh!!! A talking sausage!!!’
	Emma Carter	A jump lead walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says ‘OK, but don’t start anything’
	Alastair Sloan	Did you know that if a stick insect laid it’s eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets
Nitrogen	Tim Craggs	There are 10 types of people in the world, those who understand binary and those who don’t. (Hint: what is 10 in binary? – I know – it’s a geeky joke)
	Mark Lancaster	What do you call a tellytubby who has been burgled? A: A tubby.
	Joanna Buckley	How do you make Lady Gaga cry? Poke ‘er face.
	Donna MacCallum	What do you call a mushroom who buys everyone at the bar a drink? …a FUN GUY! Sad, I know.
Oxygen	Tom Hardy	What do you do when you find a dead chemist? Barium
	Matthew Hurley	What’s round and growls? – A vicious circle!
	Hugh Roderick	Two cowboys in a kitchen, which is the real one? The one on the range!
	Douglas Blane	I like one-liners. Like when they were explaining gravity to Eccles in the Goons: “When you jump up in the air what happens?” “I come back down again.” “Why’s that?” “Cos I live here”.
Fluorine	Sarah Bardsley	What was the biologist wearing on his first date? Designer jeans.
	Paul Roche	“Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life”
	Mark Roberts	A good pun is its own reword
	Laura Maliszewski	Zero walks up the eight and says “hey- where did you get that belt?”
Neon	Zoe Duck	manchester city
	Sharon Sneddon	Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party? Because he had no body to go with!
	Louise Dash	Q: What goes “oink, 3.14159, oink, 3.14159, oink, 3.14159″? A: A pork pi!
	Jon Copley	Before you criticise someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticise them, you are a mile away, and you have their shoes.
Sodium	Louisa Chard	Two elephants fall off a cliff. Boom Boom!
	Heather McKee	Have you heard about extreme camping? Its in tents (intense!!)
	Beth Dyson	What do you call a nun on a washing machine? Sister-matic!
	Ben Still	Two atoms bump into each other. One says ‘I think I lost an electron!’ The other asks, ‘Are you sure?’, to which the first replies, ‘I’m positive.’
	Andrew McKinley	What type of bear dissolves in water? A polar bear…
Magnesium	Sian Foch-Gatrell	Q: What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome? A: Pull down its genes.
	Luisa Ostertag	Waaah! I am so bad at this! I’ll try: Plump lady to the waitress: I’d like Death by Chocolate for dessert, but only enough to put me in critical condition. HA HA HA HA! ;o)
	Dean Whittaker	A neutron walks into a bar, orders a drink and goes to pay. The barman says “It’s ok, no charge for you” (the geekiest joke I know 🙂 )
	Alexandra Kamins	Heisenberg was speeding down a road, and got pulled over by a cop. The cop swaggers up to Heisenberg’s car and demands, “Do you know how fast you were going?!” Heisenberg begs, “Don’t tell me! I’ll pay the ticket!! Just don’t tell me!” The cop says, “You were going 90!” Heisenberg swears, “Crap. Now I don’t know where I am!” (If you don’t laugh heartily, go look up the Heisenberg uncertainty principle. If you still don’t laugh, let your inner geek out!)
Aluminium	Paula Salgado	What does the ocean say to a penguin? Nothing, it just waves…
	Nathalie Pettorelli	I’m rubbish at jokes – I never remember them, and the one I remember isn’t funny when not told in front of people
	Laura Dixon	Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because chickens hadn’t evolved yet! Yes, it’s lame but it made me giggle!
	Katy Mee	Where do you find a one-legged dog?……Where you left it……BOOM BOOM
	Hermine Schnetler	What are black holes? Things you get in black socks!
Silicon	Paula Gilfillan	What do you do with dead elements?…Barium!
	Marianne Baker	What did the fish say when it bumped into a wall? … … … Dam!
	Emma Pilgrim	Oh crikey I am rubbish at jokes. I will have a think……….
	Andrew Maynard	Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was duct-taped to the squirrel. (Shamelessly plagiarized from a good friend!)
	Andrew Leitch	A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his four-year-old son standing at the fence with wide eyes, taking in the whole event. The man thought to himself, “Great, he’s four years old and I’m gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees now. No need to jump the gun. I guess I’ll let him ask and then I’ll answer.” After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, “Well son, do you have any questions?” “Just one,” gasped the wide-eyed lad. “How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?”
Clean	Sarah Burl	A mushroom walked into a bar. The bar tender said, “Get out of here! We don’t serve your kind.” “Hey, what’s the problem?” “Just get out of here. We don’t serve mushrooms.” The mushroom in anguish says, “Why not? I’m a fun guy.”
	Panos Soultanas	What is the dullest element? …. Bohrium
	Michael Loughlin	Why couldn’t the student E.coli go into the lab? Because it was Staph only….
	Mark Travis	Please note that in the ‘describe yourself in 3 words’ section, one of the words was not ‘funny’……. I rang the Swine Flu National helpline recently for some advice, but it was useless- all I got was crackling. I’ll get my coat…..
	Mark Fogg	How about a quote from Douglas Adams, one of my favourite authors, that could apply to me “He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher…or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.” My wife agrees.
Brain	William Davies	I saw a native Australian the other day playing ‘Dancing Queen’ on the didgeridoo – I thought to myself ‘Hmm, that’s Aboriginal…’
	Michelle Murphy	What does a brain do when it sees a friend across the street? …… Gives a brain wave
	Joanna Brooks	What is pink and fluffy? Pink fluff. What is blue pink and fluffy? Pink fluff holding it’s breath.
	Jane Henry	There’s a visual joke of how men and women spend their time. On the female pie chart talking about relationships is the biggest category, and on the mens its sport!
	Fiona Randall	I only know rude ones haha
Cancer	Mariam Orme	Here’s a really geeky science joke: Two atoms meet up at a bar. One asks the other “what’s wrong, you don’t look very happy”. “No”, says the other atom, “I’m a bit worried, I’ve lost an electron”. “Are you sure?” asks the first atom. “Yeah”, says its friend, “I’m positive”.
	Leo Garcia	What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you? Nacho cheese!
	Joanna Watson	Two fish in a tank. One says to the other one “How do you drive this thing?”
	Iain Moal	Whats brown and sticky? … A stick.
	Gioia Cherubini	My italian jokes are all lost in translation 🙁
	Poonam Kaushik	This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk screams at the duck, “You’ve come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don’t have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I’ll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!” The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, “Do you have any nails?” The clerk replied, “No,” and the duck said, “Good! Got any grapes?”
	Patience Dorgu	The skeleton couldn’t go to the dance, because it had no body to go with!
	Joseph Cook	What do you call 6.022 x 10^23 avocados? Guacamole.
	Dr Hywel Jones	Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street. One says “I think I just lost an electron”, the other says “Are you sure?” and the first one replies “Yes, I’m positive!”. Ba ba boom!!
Drugs	Michelle Hudson	Why did the banana go to the doctors? Because he wasn’t peeling very well!
	Lori-An Etherington	Why are there no aspirins in the jungle? Because the Parrots-ate-em-all
	Duncan Hull	Q: How many mathematicians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None. It’s left to the reader as an exercise.
	Deuan Jones	How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb?… No one knows for sure! hahahahaha.
	Darren Nesbeth	Q: What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you? A: Nacho cheese.
Evolution	Maria Pawlowska	sorry but it will have to be a Darwin joke. Why did the chicken cross the road? Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
	Laurel Fogarty	Ok but I only know nerdy ones and you asked for it…. Two atoms are walking down the road, one isn’t concentrating and walks right into the other. They both fall over, one gets up and says ‘oh my! are you ok’ the other says ‘no no I think I’ve lost an electron’ the first says ‘oh my god are you sure’ the other replies ‘yes I’m bloody positive’!…and let that teach you not to ask scientists for jokes.
	Ceri Thomas	OK this is bad……How do you tell the sex of a chromosome? Pull down its genes! (Sorry)
	Bridget Waller	RUBBISH at jokes. 😛
	Betul Arslan	“Old chemists don’t die, they reach equilibrium” (got nerd?)
Genes	Yvette Wilson	What was the last thing that went through the fly’s mind when he hit the car windscreen? – His bottom
	Steven Kiddle	Why did the scarecrow get a nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field
	Sian Harding	Darth Vader says to Luke Skywalker – “Son, I know what you are getting for Christmas”. Luke says “how is that”. Darth replies “I have felt your presence”
	Michaela Livingstone	Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.
	Louise Johnson	What’s green and leaky? A leek!
Imaging	Tom Hartley	Q: How many crustaceans are there in London? A: Three; King’s Crustacean, Charing Crustacean and St Pan Crustacean.
	Steve Roser	how do you get 1000 Pikachus on a bus? Poke ‘em on!
	Stephen Curry	Two beavers are looking up at a massive hydroelectric dam. “I didn’t build it,” says one, “but it is based on my idea!”
	Pete Edwards	Why are pirates called pirates? Because they ARRRRRRGGGHHHH
	Marieke Navin	I like really stupid jokes. Ok, a man walked into a bar. He said Ow! It was an iron bar. I know that’s a bit naff…here’s one that’s even worse as it’s a relativity joke: A bar walked into a man…. Sorry! Wrong reference frame!
IVF	Vicki Onions	2 lions in a supermarket. One says to the other “quiet in here isn’t it?”
	Jo Broadbent	What do you call a fairy that needs a bath? Stinkerbell.
	Jane Cleal	You’re on a horse galloping away at speed. On your right is a sharp drop, on your left is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you a lion is chasing you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation??……….Get off the merry go round and act your age!!
	Greg FitzHarris	What’s green, brown, and would hurt if it fell out of a tree onto you?………………………………………………………… a snooker table
	Claire O’Donnell	What do you get if you eat the Christmas decorations? Tinsellitis
Sports	Sian Lawson	How many mules does it take to change a lightbulb? One to hold the bulb, and 305 to rotate the house.
	Sally Barber	Why did the baker wash his hands?…. Because he kneaded a poo.
	Peter Styring	Sheffield Wednesday Football Club!

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